As the holiday season approaches, images of cozy gatherings, festive feasts, and joyous celebrations fill our minds. However, for many caregivers of children impacted by trauma, attachment disorders, and neurodivergence, this time of year can evoke anxiety rather than excitement. Instead of cheer, there may be a wave of stress, as the holidays can bring overwhelming challenges, increased negative behaviors, and reminders of loss.
So what can we do?
Acknowledging the Struggles
So much about the holiday season can assault our sensitive children’s nervous systems. The noise, lights, and overfilled or chaotic schedules often lead to emotional dysregulation. Caregivers frequently express dread at the thought of navigating holiday traditions that can feel too intense for their children. The pressures of holiday celebrations for typical children is intense…for our children it can flat out be TOO MUCH. The holidays can evoke too much of everything: noise, sugar, social interaction, and change—while simultaneously providing too little downtime, structure, and opportunity for co-regulation. This duality creates a complex emotional landscape for families And it’s even more complex for those involved in foster care, adoption, or other alternative settings.
Open Conversations
To help alleviate some of the pressure, it’s essential to address the holidays upfront, through open conversations with children about their feelings. Ask them about their worries and what they are looking forward to—validate their emotions without judgment. For instance, a caregiver might ask, “How are you going to use your days off?” This allows children to express their feelings and helps caregivers understand their perspectives. Remember, it’s important not to assume what will make a child feel better. Each child’s experience and needs are unique.
External Factors to Consider
Several external factors can trigger meltdowns during the holidays:
- Schedule Changes: Children thrive on routine, so changes in their schedules can be destabilizing.Communicating schedules and changes ahead of time helps. A visual calendar can help them anticipate what’s coming and provide a sense of control. And opting out of events is not only possible…but sometimes the best idea of all.
- Food Sensitivities: The holiday season often features a plethora of sweets and rich foods. Discussing food choices and their effects on the body can empower children to make informed decisions. Planning and making healthy alternatives to bring/share is really good for everyone.
- Mythical Characters: Please carefully consider how holiday traditions that you might remember fondly might be problematic for your children. Figures like Santa Claus and Elf on the Shelf can induce fear or shame in children who have experienced trauma or have fears about strangers accessing your home or watching them. Assessing how these characters may affect a child’s sense of physical and emotional safety is crucial.
- Overwhelming Decorations: Sensory overload from decorations and music can be a challenge. Flashing lights, loud parties and even decorations that cause furniture in your house to be moved can be distressing to our children. Consider delaying and downsizing some traditions to help ease anxiety.
- Gift Anxiety: The anticipation of gifts (or lack thereof) can create stress. For children who come from backgrounds where there wasn’t enough at the holidays, allowing the children to see their presents beforehand or involve them in the wrapping process to help them feel more in control. Active teaching of gift-giving skills is important too. Our children sometimes struggle with reciprocal relationship activities like figuring out what to give and actually giving gifts. So involving them directly in planning, shopping and other gift-giving details is important as they grow.
Redefining Expectations
The most important thing we can do when it comes to holidays is to re-evaluate our own expectations. Recognizing and managing expectations is key to a successful holiday experience. Be honest with yourself about what is most important to you…and what you’re able to let go of. It’s okay to grieve the loss of traditional celebrations and consider new ways to create positive experiences. Many caregivers find that a focus on quality time—like lounging and playing games—can be more fulfilling than extravagant gifts. As our friend, a veteran therapist and parent, Jane Samuel wisely puts it, “Less presents mean more time spent enjoying holiday traditions.”
Self-Care for Caregivers
Amidst the hustle and bustle, we must take care of ourselves. It’s easy to become so focused on what we need to do for others and to make everyone else’s holiday “perfect” that we neglect our own well-being. Taking moments to recharge can make all the difference as we head into the new year. Pick out that one thing that is important to you during this season…and do it. In other words…give yourself a gift.
Conclusion: Creating New Traditions
Ultimately,the winter holiday season is about connection and family. Children impacted by relational trauma often struggle because it magnifies their grief and loss. Neurodivergent children can be on sensory overload and struggle to understand relational nuances of the season. All the while our other family members, including extended family, are full of their own expectations. Often this leads to families creating new traditions that honor both their unique needs and cherished memories. As caregivers navigate this journey, we can find ways to foster a sense of safety and joy for our children and create memories for the whole family.
Want more? Tune in to this Episode of ATN’s Regulated & Relational Podcast – Holiday Hang Ups.
Here’s a list of trauma-informed and relationship-building gift ideas compiled by a former ATN Board member.
