by: Kelly Killian
You’re going to find this strange, but my husband and I like watching crime shows. We like learning about the psychological aspects of what makes criminals tick.
It was during one of these shows that we had an “AH HA” moment about our kids.
In the show, Criminal Minds, Agent Hotchner (played by Thomas Gibson) is interviewing a serial killer. The killer says, and I’m paraphrasing because I don’t have access to the exact quote…
“I walk down the street every day and I feel like hitting people in the head with hammer. This is normal to me. I find it strange that you don’t.”
The light bulb went off. We find our children “strange” because they don’t feel the way that the average person in society does. The fact is, they find us strange because we desire a relationship with them. We feel empathy. We don’t spend our time trying to sabotage happy times. In fact we WANT happy times.
We think people crave relationship, because that’s what we want. It’s hard for us to change our way of thinking, but that is exactly what we need to do.
For most of our children, relationship, love, hugs, kisses and kind words are foreign. To us they are a normal part of life. To our kids, they are like a hammer to the head. There is something wrong with us for wanting this.
We need to adjust both our way of thinking and the thinking of our child. We take the rejection of our affection so personally, when it’s not personal. I’m not saying I’ve never taken it personally. Oh boy, did I embrace that portion of parenting!! Everything felt like an attack on me, but it’s not.
Think of your own thoughts. If someone says something that hurts you, how long does it take you to recover? Do you bounce back easily, or does it take some time to recover? In most cases it’s going to take you some time, especially if it’s something that hurt you deeply. Our kids have spent a great amount of time living in negativity. It will take time for them to recover from that.
The next time you’re fighting with your child, or you are frustrated and confused by their way of thinking, think back and remember that they find YOU strange, just as much as you find their behavior strange. It will help you to not take things so personally, and to understand that it will take a long time of healing before he/she can begin to see things through your eyes.
